These last couple of weeks, I’ve spent any spare time reflecting from a horizontal position on the couch.
The new life inside seems to strip me of vigor even as it grows in the secret place; my life for my child, it’s as it should be. My fingers haven’t been keen to write either; as God writes more important things inside of me, my stamina to enter the arena of ideas dwindles.
Ideas and projects are good and important, but where is the heart that is fully devoted to God?
Is there any greater good than to lay myself down inside the heart of my Heavenly Father and live solely unto Him?
Increasingly, I am resting in Jesus. I don’t know how, after 30-odd years of life on this ball I missed this secret place, but now that I have finally found it, I’m not letting go!
He’s meeting me; really and truly my heart is – perhaps for the first time – resting in Him. It’s like the immeasurable greatness that Paul talks about in Ephesians is actually beginning to spill over me and all I want is to spend my extra moments listening to His lovely voice, reading His perfect Word and asking Him all the pent up questions that have been hounding me for years. It’s like He’s taking my burdens away from me one by one, and I don’t have to wrestle with them anymore… it’s like freedom.
And it’s coming without effort, without striving, without anything being perfect on the outside of me, because the veil has been removed from my eyes and I am embracing Scripture as written, not as the popular evangelical doctrine machines would explain it.
I used to think I was free, but I had no idea that this kind of freedom was available to God’s children.
I used to think prayer was like me leaving a message on God’s answering machine, maybe He’d get back to me, maybe He wouldn’t (“God always answers: sometimes it’s a yes, a no or wait”, right?), and in the waiting I would develop character, of course. Well, I’ve been learning that God is communicating to me all the time – like a radio station – that simply requires me to ‘tune in’ to the right frequency: Him!
And now, hearing from Him in my spirit through words and dreams, and pressing into His word, I am finally building a relationship with Him… like when I first started getting to know my husband… all the world is new and I just don’t care about hobbies or entertainment or the latest whatever, because the lover of my soul wants to be with me!